Not Exactly A Damsel in Distress
by raisintorte
Summary: SGA Fairytales: Rodpunzel, The Three Little Scientists and the Big Bad Wraith, Rodneylocks and the Three Marines, and Rodney and Ronon. [Warning: Ch. 1 and ch. 3 have blink and you'll miss it slashy undertones, Ch. 2 and Ch. 4 are general].
1. Rodpunzel

Title: Not Exactly a Damsel in Distress or Four Ways John Sheppard Doesn't Save Rodney McKay

Rating: Teen, Contains a little bit of everything het, slash, gen, and crack.

Spoilers: None.

Summary: SGA Fairy Tales: Rodpunzel, The Three Little Scientists and the Big Bad Wraith, Rodneylocks and the Three Marines, and Rodney and Ronon.

A/N Thanks to Kate98, technosage, and Caroly214 for being the best betas and encouraging me to write crack.

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**Rodpunzel **

Sir John Sheppard was on a quest to find the most beautiful princess (or prince – he wasn't an overly picky knight) in all the land to take home and present to his parents as his intended bride. Sir John had been riding around on his trusty steed for four hours when he saw the tower. He was about to approach to look for doors or windows when a man showed up on a horse. Sir John, being the good, stealthy knight that he was, stayed behind the tree line and watched as the man approached the tower.

When the man got to the base of the tower he looked up and shouted. "Rodpunzel, Rodpunzel, let down your hair!"

"Okay, Koyla," a mostly-masculine voice called down from the tower. "How long is this going to last? I mean seriously, first of all, my name? It's NOT RODPUNZEL, it's Rodney, and second, you are the idiot who put me up in this tower. You'd think you would have had a way to come visit or GET ME OUT when you left me up here. And third, you see this receding hair line? I don't know what King Radek told you, but there is no way my hair is EVER going to grow long enough for you to use it to climb up here. AND even if it did grow that long? Hello, pain! Sensitive follicles here! That's so not gonna happen."

Sir John was immediately taken by the voice in the tower; he had been questing for hours and had yet to hear a voice that captivating. Sir John knew he had to rescue this "Rodney" from the evil Koyla.

When Koyla rode off, Sir John approached the tower. He had yet to develop a plan to save Rodney, but he was a smart and cunning knight – he would think of something.

Sir John looked up and shouted. "Rodpunzel, Rodpunzel, let down your hair!"

"Alright, that's it, I'M DONE!" Rodney shouted from the tower. "You know I was never big on this whole 'let's trade Rodney to Koyla for a ZPM so Queen Elizabeth doesn't die' thing. But I figured, she was longing for one so badly it made her ill, and she is my friend and Queen so I should make a noble sacrifice. BUT I thought you would have me doing WORK. BUT n-o-o you stick ME UP IN A TOWER, alone, with no work. And then you constantly annoy me by trying to get me to 'let down my hair' SO THAT IT'S. I'm LEAVING!"

Sir John was confused. He thought there was no way out of the tower. "Fair Rodney, I am not the evil Koyla; I am Sir John, a knight, come to rescue you!"

Rodney looked out the window again. "Oh, I guess you're not Koyla. And rescue me? Do I look like someone who needs rescuing?"

John thought about that for a moment. "Well, Fair Rodney, you do appear to be trapped up in a tower, with no apparent means of ingress or egress, so yes; it does appear that you need rescuing."

"Well, I don't. That was just a show for Koyla. I've had the means to leave for weeks now, I just haven't yet wanted to leave. I mean this place has free food, cable TV, and internet. I was just waiting until the food was about to run out before I made my escape. I only have about two days of food left. So, Sir John, or whoever you are, as long as you are there you can help me leave, by steadying the end of the rope I made."

Rodney threw a rope down to John and started shimmying down. When he reached the bottom Rodney looked up at John. "That your horse?"

"Yes, it is, Fair Rodney. Would you like a ride to the nearest town, or I shall take you to my Kingdom and introduce you to my parents?"

"Sure, I'll go meet your parents, but first cut the 'Fair Rodney' crap. That's almost as bad as Rodpunzel." Sir John helped Rodney up on his horse and the two started riding away.

"Do you have cable TV in your Kingdom? And food? I need lots food, I have hypoglycemia, and I'm deathly allergic to citrus, so I'm probably going to need a royal taster or something and . . ." And with that Sir John and Rodney rode off into the sunset.


	2. The Three Little Scientists

**The Three Little Scientists and the Big Bad Wraith**

Once upon a time there were three little scientists, all trying to develop a device to keep the big bad Wraith out of their fair city, Atlantis. All three thought of brilliant and wonderful ideas, and each thought their brilliant and wonderful idea was the best. The three scientists got in many arguments over who had the best idea. Since they had no way to test these ideas on Atlantis, they asked their boss, Elizabeth, if they could go out into the galaxy and test their devices.

After many arguments and discussions about wasting time and resources, Elizabeth reluctantly approved, so off the three scientists went.

Beckett, the first scientist, surrounded himself with a fog, deadly to Wraith, but not humans.

Zelenka, the second scientist, built a shield around himself made of energy and light.

McKay, the third scientist, built a Naquada-reinforced bomb shelter with drone launching capability.

One day, a group of Wraith, who loved to feed on well-fed Atlantean scientists, arrived on the planet. The Wraith, led by a rather sinister-looking leader named Steve, saw Beckett standing in his cloud of fog and said, "Little scientist, little scientist, surrender now, or we will stun you!"

"Not on yer life, ye WRAITH! My Wraith-killing fog will protect me!" Beckett shouted back. However, what Dr. Beckett failed to consider was that the Wraith could just stun him from a distance, and wait for the fog to blow away before feeding on him. The Wraith were about to do just that, but a Jumper decloaked above Dr. Beckett and took out the Wraith with a drone.

The Jumper set down, and out stepped Colonel John Sheppard. "What? You think Elizabeth would let the three of you run Wraith experiments on a planet with no backup? Right." So, Dr. Beckett, safe and alive, got into the Jumper with Colonel Sheppard and headed for Dr. Zelenka's position.

A few hours later, another group of Wraith, who also loved to feed on well-fed Atlantean scientists, arrived on the planet. This group of Wraith, led by a rather sinister looking leader named Bob, saw Zelenka standing in his shield of light and energy and said "Little scientist, little scientist, surrender now, or we will stun you!"

"I think not, you Wraith, my shield will protect me from your stun guns!" Zelenka shouted back at the Wraith. However, what Zelenka failed to consider was that his shield was still vulnerable to Wraith beaming technology. Just as the Wraith were about to beam him up into a Dart, a Jumper decloaked and took out the Wraith and their Dart with a drone.

The Jumper set down, and out stepped Colonel John Sheppard. "Yup, Elizabeth was right, can't leave the scientists alone. Get in the Jumper, Zelenka; it's about time to go save Rodney.'" So, Dr. Zelenka, safe and alive, got into the Jumper with Colonel Sheppard and Dr. Beckett and headed for Dr. McKay's position.

A few hours later, another group of Wraith, who also loved to feed on well-fed Atlantean scientists, arrived on the planet. This group of Wraith, led by a rather sinister-looking leader named Hector, saw Rodney's Naquada reinforced bomb shelter and said, "Little scientist, little scientist, surrender now, or we will stun you!"

"Just try it, buddy! My Naquada-reinforced bomb shelter will protect me!" So, the Wraith took aim at Dr. McKay's shelter. The Wraith fired and fired but their stun blasts could not penetrate the Naquada reinforced bomb shelter.

Hector, being a sly Wraith, wandered around the shelter looking for another way in. Hector saw an air vent and climbed up on the roof of the shelter to try and make his way in.

As Hector climbed the roof, Colonel Sheppard decloaked his Jumper right above the shelter. Sheppard was about to take out the Wraith when suddenly the entire shelter glowed with electrical pulses and two drones flew out the air vent, which ironically, wasn't a air vent at all, but a weapons disbursement tube. Hector was electrocuted by the charges and the drones took out the remaining Wraith.

The Jumper set down, and out stepped Colonel John Sheppard but before he could speak Rodney exited the shelter and started yelling. "What you are doing? Are you TRYING to get yourself killed? It's a good thing my superior intellect drove me to install sensors and I knew that was you above me and not a Wraith Dart."

Colonel Sheppard looked contrite. "I was just trying to rescue you!"

"Yes, because I'm obviously incapable of taking care of myself and in need of rescuing. Right. Do I look like Carson or Radek? Well, so long as you are here, help me get this back to Atlantis. I think I can incorporate some of this into our weapons system. I may have hypoglycemia, a deadly citrus allergy, and occasionally act like a coward but I am not an idiot. Speaking of my hypoglycemia, Carson do you have a PowerBar or something? I'm feeling faint. . . " And with that the three little scientists flew back to Atlantis and lived happily ever after.


	3. Rodneylocks and the Three Marines

**Rodneylocks and the Three Marines**

Rodneylocks was a snarky little scientist who lived once upon a time in a far-off galaxy.

One day, Rodneylocks (who much preferred to be called Rodney, by his friends, or Dr. McKay by his subordinates), was sitting in his lab, playing with all sorts of Ancient technology. While most people would have been content to stay in the lab and play with the all of technology there, Rodney wasn't. Rodney was always in search of bigger, more powerful Ancient technology.

Rodney was rather a mischievous little scientist. He could not resist pushing the Ancient technology to the limit, so when a piece of it would break – and eventually most of them did – he would throw it over on Zelenka's desk and move on to the next new thing.

When Rodney got bored he would head out to wander around Atlantis in search of new technology. This day was a particularly warm and sunny day in Atlantis and Rodney wandered on and on until he wandered into a part of Atlantis he had only heard stories about but never been in before: the Marines' sleeping quarters.

Now, in this particular area of Atlantis there lived a group of three Marines. The first was a big powerful Marine, the head of security, a sergeant named Bates. The next, a pilot, and somewhat powerful man, was a sergeant named Stackhouse. And the third, while actually the 2IC of the base, was an affable man and really too cheerful to be powerful, a lieutenant named Ford.

These three Marines lived together in an odd-shaped apartment of rooms and were very happy there.

Rodney, being curious about the Marines and their living quarters, and about any different technology that might be in them, decided to just go in and have a look-see. Rodney went in but there was no one there, as all of the Marines were on duty in the Gate-room.

Rodney was rather hungry after his walk – he's hypoglycemic, you know – and when he walked in he saw three different PowerBars sitting on the table. A Tabasco PowerBar for Bates, an Enchilada PowerBar for Stackhouse, and a Coffee PowerBar for Ford. Rodney, having a deadly allergy to citrus, carefully checked all the bars ingredients before digging in.

Rodney helped himself to a bite of the Tabasco PowerBar. Ugh! It was too hot and gross. Rodney loved PowerBars but this was vile.

He was still hungry and feeling faint, so he tried a bite of the Enchilada PowerBar. Ugh! It was too spicy and tasted like the bad Mexican food he was forced to eat in Siberia, so he set the bar down.

He moved on to the Coffee PowerBar. It was just what Rodney liked, so he ate it all up.

When Rodney had finished the PowerBar he noticed a set of three chairs in the corner of the room. He had never seen chairs like these and he wanted try them out. One was a great big chair; Rodney walked over and sat in it. _Ouch! No wonder Bates is such a hard ass if he sits in a chair this hard on his down time _Rodney thought as he got up and moved to the next chair, which was a little bit smaller. Rodney sat down and immediately got right back up. That chair was much too soft. _Must belong to Stackhouse_ he thought. Finally Rodney went and sat in the last chair, which was a little smaller still, and that chair suited him perfectly.

It was so comfortable that he fell asleep. While he was asleep he accidentally leaned back so far in the chair, it fell over and broke. The chair breaking startled Rodney into waking up. He was still tired, though, so he headed into the bedroom too see if their beds had any neat technologies that his didn't.

Rodney saw three beds in the bedroom. He laid down on the first bed but it was way too hard, even harder than the chair. _No wonder Bates is so cranky all the time – those gross PowerBars, that awful chair, and this bed. That would put anyone in a bad mood_. Rodney laid down on the second bed and once again it was too soft, so he got up. The third bed however was just perfect, and just as Rodney fell asleep he thought to himself, _I'll have to take this bed back to my room for more research, must have some type of technology making it this comfortable ._

While Rodney was sleeping, the three Marines came home from duty, tired, looking to eat their PowerBars and relax in their beds and chairs. Bates walked over to the table and saw that his PowerBar had been opened and a bite taken out.

"HEY! Someone took a bite out of my PowerBar!" he shouted.

Stackhouse and Ford came over to look at the table with him. Stackhouse saw his had also been opened. "Uh, someone tried to eat mine, as well. I wonder who would do that?"

Ford looked at his PowerBar, and saw that it was all gone. "Someone tasted my PowerBar and ate it all up." Ford looked so upset at the thought; he had really been looking forward to his Coffee PowerBar. It was one of the few McKay hadn't hoarded.

Bates, convinced someone had broken into their quarters, went to look at the sensor array he had installed to protect his stuff.

"Hey guys, whoever ate our PowerBars also sat in our chairs Look at these readings." Bates pointed to the sensor display.

Ford looked at his broken chair. "I don't need a sensor to tell me someone sat in my chair, because they broke it. And I had just named it thing-that-is-comfortable-to-sit-on." Once again, Ford appeared really upset over his ruined chair.

Bates pulled out his gun. "Looks like whoever did this is still here." He pointed to the life signs detector showing one sign in the bedroom. Ford and Stackhouse also drew their weapons and they all went stealthily into the bedroom.

Upon seeing Rodney sleeping in his bed, Ford shouted. "What the hell, MCKAY! First, you eat my PowerBar, then you break my chair, and now you're SLEEPING IN MY BED? I don't know what kind of relationship you have with Sheppard but WE do not have that kind of relationship!"

Ford's shouting startled Rodney out of his sleep. Rodney never woke up in a good mood so his first reaction was to be annoyed with whatever disturbed his sleep. "Oh yes, that's really nice, disturb the sleeping scientist. It's not like sleep is something I get a lot of." And then he opened his eyes, remembered where he was, and saw the three armed Marines standing over him.

Rodney hopped out of Ford's bed, ducked between him and Stackhouse, and ran into the hallway, not bothering to check to see if the Marines were following him. Rodney had run about 20 feet when he ran into Major Sheppard.

"Where's the fire, McKay?" John looked around Rodney for signs of danger.

Rodney stopped and looked around and realized that the Marines had not followed him out of their quarters. i_Huh_, he thought, _They must be saving their revenge for later. _"Fire? No fire? Just decided to take a quick jog around Atlantis."

John looked at Rodney skeptically.

"I do occasionally exercise you know. What? Don't look at me like that. I do! So, I was thinking about the support staff we should send with Kavanaugh to the mainland for that month-long water irrigation project that we have planned. I think Bates, Stackhouse and Ford would be perfect for the job . . ." And Rodney walked off into Atlantis with Major Sheppard plotting ways to keep the three Marines away from Atlantis for as long as he could.


	4. Rodney and Ronon

**Rodney and Ronon**

"I cannot believe Sheppard just sent us off into the woods like that! Man should have paired me off with Teyla, but no, he stuck me with YOU!" Ronon looked very disgruntled as he walked through the woods.

McKay didn't look much happier. "Yes, because I am oh-so-excited to be stuck wandering around the woods with a man who doesn't know how to use utensils properly or the meaning of the term 'personal hygiene.'"

"What are you doing, McKay? Stop breaking off twigs, you're going to give away our position." Ronon grabbed Rodney's arm to prevent him from breaking another twig.

"Leaving a path was the POINT! Sheppard may trust you and think you have a good sense of direction BUT I am not so confident to depend on you finding our way back to the gate. So, if you wouldn't mind getting your hand OFF my arm, I would appreciate it."

"I know where we are going and I know how to get back, McKay! I did survive being HUNTED for SEVEN years. I do believe the first time I met you, you were hanging upside down in a tree." Ronon raised one eyebrow and looked at McKay.

"Really? Because from where I'm standing, you don't appear to have any clue as to where we are. We have passed by this tree before. I think you have us going in circles. This is great, just great, I am going to die in the woods with a Neanderthal, who doesn't know north from south." Rodney clicked his radio "McKay to Sheppard, McKay to Sheppard. Seriously Sheppard, this is not funny, RESPOND." Rodney's voice got an octave higher as he realized that Sheppard was not going to respond.

"McKay, calm down! I think we are out of radio range. If we just head back this way we should get within distance and you can radio Sheppard."

"Okay, that's IT! I've had it. Four hours of stoic silence and wandering, I cannot take a minute more. I'm running out of PowerBars, I'm tired, I'm sore and I'M NOT GOING ANY FURTHER." Rodney sat down in the grass in front of Ronon.

"Get up, McKay!" Ronon gave Rodney his most intimidating look.

"No!" Rodney gave Ronon his most stubborn look.

"No? Fine. Find your own way back to the gate." And with that Ronon started walking again.

"Ronon! You cannot just leave me here. Seriously, Ronon? STOP. Okay fine wait up, I'm on my way." Rodney got up and ran to catch up with Ronon, just as Ronon stopped dead and raised his hand.

"What? What? What do you see? Why are you stopping now?"

"Silence McKay, I smell something." Ronon stopped and sniffed the air, looking something like a cross between a Labrador retriever and a large angry bear.

"Smell something? What are you Cujo? Ronon? Ronon? Where are you going? Stop that, come back here." Ronon headed off at a run through the woods. Rodney had no choice but to follow.

They had been running for five minutes when they reached a little house. The house appeared to be built of bread and covered with cakes. The windows were clear sugar with brown trim.

"Is that what I think it is?" Rodney gave Ronon a questioning look.

"Yes, McKay, it is a house made entirely of food. I know you know what food is, I've seen you eat enough of it." Ronon walked up to the side of the house and licked the door frame.

Rodney started screaming at Ronon. "What are you doing! You have no idea where that has been, who has touched it, what it's made of, who else has licked it! That is so unsanitary . . .well? What does it taste like? Is there citrus in it? You know I'm allergic to citrus, right?"

"Tastes like the stuff you guys call chocolate."

"Really? Chocolate you say? Well, you're still alive." Rodney walked over to a window and broke a piece off. He looked at it for a second, as if deciding whether or not he really wanted to eat it, and put the piece in his mouth.

"Oomghomgh, this is divine. This is like Lindor chocolate or Godiva." Rodney turned to Ronon to discuss an eating plan but Ronon had already moved on from the door to the roof shingles.

Ronon was enjoying the roof so much he tore off a gigantic shingle and was stuffing as much as he could in his mouth. Rodney was still working on the window. He realized the panes were made of a clear sugar, and he accidentally knocked one out trying to get at the chocolate support bars.

Suddenly the door opened, and a woman who looked as old as Atlantis creeped out. Rodney was so startled by her appearance he dropped his chocolate bar. Ronon just kept on eating.

"Hello, boys. Would you like to come inside? I have been cooking all afternoon and have much food to share with you. No harm will come to you. I would just prefer you eat in my kitchen and not eat my house." Rodney and Ronon looked at each other for a moment trying to decide what to do. After a quick consultation they decided it wouldn't hurt to meet some locals. Besides, Rodney was really tired, cranky and hungry and Ronon was just hungry, so they followed the woman into her house.

The woman fed them better than Ronon had eaten in his entire life and Rodney since he left earth. She was sweet and kind and treated them like beloved sons.

All throughout the meal Rodney had been talking to the old woman about her wonderful cooking, and could she make more of those? What did she call them? Oh yes, Nutty bars. And he lives with some really smart people who have lots of neat technology and he's sure they could set up some form of a trade agreement for her food. And if he could just get a look at her stove, he might be able to upgrade it for her.

Little did Rodney know that this was playing right into her evil plot to cook and eat him.

"Ronon, my dear boy, would you please go outside and fetch me a pail of water? My arms are so frail, and I have so much trouble. You are a strapping young lad and I would really appreciate the help." The old lady had a mean gleam in her eyes as spoke.

Ronon, a naturally suspicious person, got even more suspicious of the lady when she called him "dear boy." No one had ever called him "dear boy," not even his mother. He didn't want to tip the lady off though. "Sure, Ma'am, I'd be happy to help you out," and with that Ronon headed outside.

"Rodney, dear, my oven is over here; would you have a look at it please?" The old lady led Rodney over to her oven, which was already heating up. The woman planned to entice Rodney to lean into the oven, and once he was inside, shut the oven and let him bake.

Rodney walked over to the oven and looked it over. "Hmm. I think we have some parts back at our base I could use to upgrade this and give it more power."

"That would be lovely, dear," the little old lady replied, "you know, before you leave I've been having some problems with the back of the oven. Would you mind checking it out for me?"

As Rodney leaned into the oven to check the back, the little old lady, who was surprisingly stronger than she looked, grabbed his legs and tried to push him in the oven.

"WHAT! What the hell are you doing! LET ME GO!" Rodney screamed and started kicking. Ronon, who had been standing outside the door waiting for something to go wrong, came running in when he heard Rodney scream.

He grabbed the little old lady and pulled his gun on her. "Let him go." The little old lady took one look at Ronon and his gun, and while Rodney would have been a plump meal, she dropped his legs and backed away. Ronon walked up to the oven and yanked Rodney out.

"Ouch, watch out there! Delicate baking scientist here. Ohmigod, my hair? Is my hair still there? Is it singed? Does my skin look pinker to you? She tried to cook me!" Rodney sat on the floor in a heap all upset.

Just at the that moment Rodney's radio crackled to life "McKay? Dex? This is Sheppard. Teyla and I are back at the jumper, where are you? What's your status?"

Rodney clicked on his radio and replied to John "This is McKay. Ronon and I are just fine. We are a few miles from the gate. We're heading back now. McKay out."

Rodney clicked off his radio, turned, and screamed at Ronon. "What are you waiting for? What haven't you killed her yet? She tried to COOK ME! You pull your gun and act all cool and like 'I'm Mr. Wraith-hunter,' but wimp out about killing a cannibalistic woman?"

"She looks kinda like my Grandmother. I can't kill my grandmother."

"Okay, fine, you know what? I'm leaving. And I am NEVER being paired off with you again, I don't care what Sheppard says. AND no it makes no difference that you saved me. I wouldn't have gotten into this mess if it wasn't for you. This is this the last time I eat something with you off world." And with that Rodney stalked out of the house and started hiking towards the gate, or, well, the direction he thought the gate was in. Ronon followed.

When Rodney and Ronon got back to the jumper, Rodney snarking the whole way, they filled John in on what had happened.

"Hey, McKay, your skin's looking a little pink there. Want some aloe?" John tried to keep a straight face but couldn't get over the fact someone had tried to EAT Rodney.

"Please? Aloe? Phhh. Hand me my pack, I have some industrial strength burn cream with a butter cream base. I don't even know how I'm going to factor this into my Radiation calculations. You know what? We have to fly the jumper back to the hut, I have no idea how much radiation was in that oven, I need to go take measurements."

John, Teyla, and Ronon, taking one look at Rodney's pink skin and singed hair all said "NO!" and John started the jumper towards home.

"Fine, but you are never sending me off alone with Ronon again, do you hear me? NEVER. I don't care how many times I've almost died with you. With him? I almost got COOKED." Rodney looked at John in a huff.

"Okay, Rodney, never again." John gave Rodney a placating look and flew the jumper through the gate where they all lived happily ever after in Atlantis.


End file.
